Learning To Fish

I have never been fishing in the literal sense, something I soon will check off my bucket list. I know, I know, not a difficult task, grab a rod, fishing bait, find water and throw your line right? Well, I don't know, because like I said, I have never been. This post is not about actual fishing, but figuratively speaking, I have been learning to fish since I was 6 and even more so when I was 17. My life has been a journey in an open ocean with a small hole in my boat with me constantly figuring out how to keep it afloat without sinking. I am positive thousands can relate. A summary of my upbringing, I am one of five siblings, and am right in the middle of our 5. The male who assisted in bringing 4 of us into this world has been non existent since I was 6, leaving behind his 3 daughters and son. So after his disappearance, we lived the not so normal life that comes with adapting to a single parent household of 5 children. My mother was never home as she worked her ass off to provide for us just the minimal of things, food, shelter, and clothing. None of which were your luxurious choices or options. When our mother was home, she was still working, constantly on the phone on a conference call or some business call, while we were always being "shushed" or given the snap of her fingers, which was her signal for telling us to shut the hell up and to leave her be. By the time I was 10, my oldest sister then 12, started to rebel and would run away from home, get involved with the "bad" kids at school and be stirred up in some kind of trouble. Not that my mother needed this, but honestly who could blame my sister, her and I were especially hurt by our father leaving as we had spent our first 6-8 years with only knowing life with him around, no matter how unpleasant it was at times, we still loved him dearly. After witnessing my sister's behavior, I learned not to behave in the same manner, only because I saw how hurt our mother was over it all. While our oldest sister was in and out occupying herself in all sorts of shenanigans, I was forced to not only become the "oldest" but was placed into the secondary parental role. So while our mother was off at work, I was left to take care of my two youngest siblings which was the result of our entire upbringing until our mother took a job offer in DC when I was 16. Carmen was our "nanny" who spoke zero english and who my younger siblings unfortunately missed out on learning Spanish took complete advantage of this situation by not "understanding" her, so again there I was to constantly tell and yell at my younger siblings what they should but mainly should not be doing. Carmen was really only at our house during the week while my mother worked one of her 3 jobs to give my mother some peace of mind that we were "ok", being fed rice and beans every day, and had a clean house to come home to. I always think about Carmen from time to time and wonder how in the hell she put up with my younger brother and sister who were little shits to her and never paid her any mind. I'll skip years of drama and details that my family faced during all of these years but needless to say they were quite interesting. How we are all still alive I have no clue but we are! Our mother was NO betty home maker, she was a full time working woman who had these little runts at home and shit ton of drama. My siblings and I did not see a loving two parent structure growing up so we are all a little rough on those edges. We all have had to figure out this life with only the moral compass my mother instilled in us. Everything else has been a hit or miss, trial and error experiment. Which let me tell you, yes makes you stronger if you haven't died, but is difficult as all get out to live life in the unknown with no path paved and taking your own. I have seen the darkest of days and a plenty of sunny ones. I am grateful for both. It is so easy for one to fall into a depression while comparing to others who have had a silver spoon or any spoon for that matter fed to them, but I say fuck that, I am entirely grateful for my upbringing, as hard as it was and is, because I know my strengths and learn and grow from my weaknesses. There isn't any time in my schedule for a pity me session, I have to suck it up buttercup and keep it moving. In my 32 years of life I have only recently been learning to truly let go and live, be positive even during the negative times, and be very aware and cautious of my OWN behaviors and reactions. From working at bars/nightclubs, graduating college, going to jail, being on probation, having children, starting a career, having a family of my own, and trying to figure out this whole adulting thing; I can say I have experienced quite a damn bit. One thing is for sure, my kids are going to have a hard time fooling this mommy who's seen it and done it all (other than fishing) ha! When I first started this post I was going to go into how hard it has been to be a parent with no support or help from my family or mother (I would say from my parents but yea, that guy dumped us long ago and has never been a source of support), but as my stream of consciousness began to flow, I thought to myself, "shut the fuck up and deal with it" (my motto for life in general). I am NOT one to get down on myself or fall into a depression, look for sympathy etc. In my world, you get on the horse no matter how many times you've fallen and you try again, and again, and again, and again. No, I have never learned to fish (figuratively and literally) but I am learning and will never give up no matter how hard times get. I've hit my rock bottom and have pulled up out of it, I also always think, "hell yes things could always be worse". I am grateful for my challenges and my experiences. Thank you to my mother that did not put silver spoons in our mouths, she has raised one tough cookie. And by this time next year, I will have thrown my line and have caught my own fish! Tootles!

Hi Susan

In ALL respects, Susan, our worlds are indeed very, very far apart.

I took the time to read your rebuttal to Christy's response to the "Women's March." Rather than break your article down, as you did to Christy, I will in fact respond to the points you attempted to make for all "feminists."

Firstly, I will start off by stating, weren't you told to never assume?? Going out on a limb here but, as adolescents, we are told, "do not assume, for you end up making an Ass out of U and Me"
As you stated yourself, "you could be wrong," for you most certainly are! We in fact may have a tad bit in common, reason why I feel I can and am able to rise up against your word. I too, am a college educated, professional mom, so kudos to us! Yea true femininity, giving high fives and supporting another femme! I too live in a safe neighborhood (whats safe anymore though really?), nice houses, big (and I think the word you were looking for is "mature") trees. I'm a real estate agent, so those fluffy words really just fly off our tongues. My days are also filled with tasks of a city-life living family - my kids get a warm breakfast also, I too get to work and go to the gym, however I do not have my groceries delivered to my doorstep. That's pretty fancy, Susan. Hats off to you for being able to outsource that minuscule errand we (parents) have to do with our kids. Yes it is probably one of my most dreaded errands, running to the grocery store with the kids! But to the lay person, it is just another to do that needs to be marked off our list. I am not a single mom, but my mother was, single mother of 5 kids, and drug us ALL to the grocery store. Every Sunday! Of course your life gets messy!! Hello!!! Who's doesn't?? Sure we are all grateful for our kids and bust our asses so that those precious little souls are happy and healthy, regardless of your tax bracket. Am I right? I am glad you considered the millions of women who do NOT have a slither of what you have. How can the majority even relate? I barely can, so I feel, as mentioned before, since I do have a slither of commonality, I can give you the most honest answers you are looking for.

Susan, I am going to answer your important question.

EVERYDAY! EVERY SINGLE DAY!!
Several hours of every single day, was the last time I had a meaningful conversation with a woman who's life isn't like mine. Wether it is better or worse, I can guarantee, EVERYDAY!! Took me a millisecond to respond that one! Is that all you got?? Id like for you to answer the same, seeing as there isn't much diversity in the burbs. Trust me I know, I resided there once and had to get the hell out, for it was too "uppity" for my liking. While on the subject, your subject, what difference does it make where I swipe my card or how much I spent?? How do you know, I didn't bust my ass all month  to budget a big grocery trip to feed my family at home, not at the fine dining in the shops of whatever suburban strip you live in? Im sorry, I made an assumption there, maybe you do not dine out, so forgive me. See how kindness works?

Take all the time you need.

How a writer chooses to open their passage is their choice. She (Christy) is completely entitled to her feelings. So if she FELT she was a "disgrace to women" because she didn't agree with the women who marched, Can she not be wrapped up in Her Own Feelings? Just as clearly you are in yours?

Susan, I was raised a second-class citizen. Spanish was my first language. I was in ESL classes with all of the other brown kids. I grew up my entire childhood into adulthood in the barrio! Do you have any clue what that even means? No not Wikipedia's version or definition. Im waiting.

I was a statistic. My voice is definitely heard.

Oh I am sorry, you had to pay a a difference for co-pay. Or your rates jumped. I am so sorry for you. I on the other hand was forced to purchase an insurance I did not want. Did I jump and rave and whine about it? well, yea for a second, but I paid my fee and kept it moving. You seem to be a smart girl and you figured out your personal problem so kudos kiddo!

The question is, have YOU ever skipped an exam because your kid was in need?

I certainly have. Many of times. And that need was food. But what did it do to me? Made me evaluate my situation, and realize I had to figure out another way. I was not going to settle for that life of just getting by, living paycheck to paycheck as so many of us do and did. I didn't sulk and cry and whine to the world how unfair my situation is, because get this, I bet it never dawned on you, So many people have it sooo much worse. Wait, there I go assuming again. Have you had to decide which bill to pay first? Lights so you have electricity, then water, then rent? Oh no, you have auto draft on all your bills, taken straight from your checking account without any hiccups. Where some of us pray they don't process the payment so we don't get hit with insufficient funds fees. But do these people whine?? NO! They go about their day, go to work, take their kids to school, figure out how to get dinner on the table and are happy in their hearts because they made it another living day.

This was my reality once. Could you imagine it??

Yes, unfortunately I have been sexually assaulted, and shoved around. Did I have control of my body then?? Well looking back, if my dumbass did not put myself in those circumstances then the answer is yes, I absolutely had control over my body. When will adults, and females, take responsibility of their actions and behavior and stop playing the victim? When did we become a victimized society? I was in a relationship that was not pretty, but I cannot sit here and point the finger at the other person, when I myself stayed in it. It would be completely foolish of me to try and say I was beaten and was a victim to abuse. I am a big girl, I have a VOICE, I have access to help, and if I'm going to continue to put myself in danger then I better be tough enough to deal with it. (This does not go for truly victimized women in other countries who do not have a voice)

Do not sit here and make excuses for people who make excuses for themselves as to why they cannot find work. They are only EXCUSES.

If there are millions of women who want to work but can't afford childcare, my best advice, seeing as I too am a mother and childcare is not cheap, is to be your own boss. You have to make your way in this world and stop looking for a handout. If it is a handout you are looking for, theres an answer for that as well, get on government assisted aide. They will pay for food, childcare, healthcare and there now you have no more excuses. But I am positive you can come up with some.

I am not one who deals well with excuses. I started working at 14 years old, bagging groceries at the grocery store down the street from my home. I lived in a very unsafe neighborhood and would walk to and or from work most days when my mother was tied up in one of her 3 jobs at the time. Like you mentioned being a single mother is tough. I knew I wanted more for myself and was not going to get stuck in that Barrio, I begged to work and never stopped. My mother was appointed a position that she could not turn down and had to relocate my senior year of high school. I had my own place by 17 years of age, was working a mall job and going to high school! I graduated college with a Bachelors in Business Entrepreneurship with NO grants, or scholarships. I worked my entire college career, didn't have mommy or daddy's credit card to get me by. I woke up at 7am to make it to 8am class with a full day of classes until 3pm and had to drive to the city 30 minutes to make it into work by 4pm and closed by 2am. (I worked in the restaurant industry, solely off tips) I had to drive my very tired ass home to make it home by 3:30 am to shower sleep and do it again. Somehow, broke, tired and not a home to live in (seriously, I was homeless my final year of college) I graduated!!! I had a my first daughter at 25 and had zero expectations for help from family. I did not have time for excuses!!!

I got a little carried away there. Sorry. I am just fed up with everyone's pitty me stories. We all have them!!! You see, the thing with the "women's march" is that it wasn't for "women" to uplift and be supportive. It resulted in male bashing, specifically Trump, with a ton of civil matters. Which I'm all about peacefully protesting, by the way. This however was not. Celebrities, yelling profanities, was anything but a peaceful womens march. Bashing the First Lady for no reason at all, is not feminism. This was a hate filled rally with folks upset that their candidate did not win. Don't give me we aren't equal shit, because we are. Women have so many rights that we even had a female running for presidency! HOW ironic! To the women who really are victims in other countries my heart is with you and I will stand proudly with you! To the women who feel entitled and are filled with hate, I am sorry. Life is not fair. We win some, we lose some. No need crying over spilled milk. Don't put your panties in a bunch. If the women's march was about bringing awareness to equality or inequalities, why were the signs and chants everything but? All I witnessed were comments directed to President Trump. I am not with these women. I am sorry. I do not come from a place of hate and will not be a part of it. I will not spread diversity.

I was once in a horrible place. I changed my situation.

If you aren't getting equal pay, get a new job. Or be your own boss. If you are being harassed, file a complaint and change your situation. Seriously women, we do not have it that bad.

I am more terrified that people are not looking deeply into the agenda behind the scenes. Who funded the "women's march" and why? So we can continue to be divided??

Falling for Changes

So much has shifted, we are at the end of the year, awaiting to see what 2015 has in store. As I close this year and chapter in my life, I look back at myself and realize So much has changed! I have done some tremendous soul searching this year and although that journey is still in pursuit I have a better understanding of me. For years I was inside the box, as someone who truly cares about others this was a tough one for me to admit. Hardly ever was it Yesenia to blame, but always something or someone else, not in terms of faulting someone for some wrong doing but more just a broad sense of the "not I" attitude. I have come to a realization that everyone including myself will screw up either royally or minutely, whichever the degree, it is within my very own self that will react, and in my reaction, is my truth! I have struggled with abandonment and anger mixed with alcohol in the past, and just this year I have acknowledged my demons. It is very difficult to express and admit your flaws as you may want to perceive yourself as flaw-less. I had to take a step back to look at myself a couple of times this year, the last of which really hit me like a brick. I was in a state of anger and disbelief, but that being said, my reactions to my feelings is what threw me over the fence and allowed me to peep into the hole and look at myself. It finally hit me, how could I allow myself to stoop so low in my own behavior, who was I and how had I become so powerless to my own self? How have I let this built up anger explode within me. I have always had this false idea that things were supposed to be a certain way and if it didnt fall in line as expected then you would be sure to feel my disappointment. My reactions to not having my expectations met were dangerous, I lashed out in anger. Never realizing that my reactions were just as bad if not worse than not having my expectations met. I finally told myself, STOP! No matter what happens, what anyone does to you directly or indirectly, do not let that affect my behavior. Most importantly as a parent, I do not want my child to carry on any of these bad learned habits. Your kids do what you are. I think it was this that really caught me and made me see my darkness. If you are in a constant state of blame you are in denial. Denial of your own demons. You may not think your demons come close to whomever is putting you in that state to begin with, but trust me yours are just as bad. Goes back to the age old saying, Dont throw stones if you live in a glass house. We have all heard it and let it go thru one ear and out the other, because we truly dont believe that WE ourselves reside anywhere near a glass house. Let a stone hit your house, be cautious of your response, that will answer your question about how sturdy and strong your glass is. If it breaks, your reaction was not much better than the stone thrown. Personally, this has helped me get thru a lot this year. People will let you down, disappoint, and even upset you; that is all a given and an expectation unfortunately. It is within yourself, your reaction that will reflect your true self. Be above it all. Remain in a higher frequency, Avoid negative energy and if it is unavoidable be wary of your own self. Do not drown in others misery and shortcomings and most importantly look for the light in the dark of situations. Remember your worth. Personally I have to remind myself that I struggle with abandonment which leads to anger, and there is no excuse to justify behavior because of it. I am growing and learning everyday, learning to let go of the past and not allow for a generational curse to enter my home. That being said, my daughter is my world, and I only hope to positively mold her moral compass and show her a better way. 

Yogaland

I am addicted to a drug and its labeled "YOGA". I cant get enough of it. I yearn for the challenge. I sweat pain away during each practice. I mentally escape to an island of just my mat and I and sometimes my toddler. Yoga has directly affected my life. It has changed the way I view everything. I value life and earth so much more. I started my Yoga practice in December and have been sucked in since. I used to battle with my weight and how I viewed myself, never thought I was ever at my best. I was the type of person who hit the gym about 5 times a week, doing leg days, arm days, cardio and abs, all body part days which do not get me wrong, forced me to be consistent and learn muscle memory and how to focus on my eating habits. This is what started to mold my foundation to a healthier me. After so many strenuous workouts, and I literally do mean very intense sessions I began to feel a little better. I began seeing some results, I was leaning out and building muscle, I thought this was the road to success. I continued searching for my happy place. I still was not completely satisfied with myself. I didn't want to continue these types of workouts only to end up looking like a man, or a competitor in some fitness competition. That look just is not for me no judgment to any who go for that look. While in my hunt, along came a little friend called "instagram", I used this tool to assist me in my regular workout routines, help me change things up a bit, which I did and it was very useful. However, I came across the hashtag #yoga, I scrolled thru for a minute which turned into hours and I was immediately taken over. I said to myself, "I want to do that." My first couple attempts were complete failures, as I was never a gymnast in my past, these stretches and poses did not come natural to me. I would almost be in tears of how strenuous something as simple as reaching for your very own two feet could be. I thought, dang, as much time and effort I have put in at the gym with weights and machines and I cant even reach my toes?? something was wrong here! At that instant I immediately took a different approach to my "workouts". I put down the 45lb weights and decided to learn how to balance my very own 130lb body! I am only at the start of my practice but I cannot tell you how amazing my body feels. I don't feel tight all the time like I used to. I have learned the art of breathing! I didn't even learn this when I was going thru labor with my little one, imagine how much it would have supported me then. I used to be so afraid of getting upside down, now all I want to do is be inverted. The body is an amazing temple. Yoga has cured headaches, stress, pain, uneasiness, the list goes on. Yoga is not just about getting into a pose and viola you have completed the task...it is a mind, body, spirit transformation. Yoga puts you in places where you are most uncomfortable and forces you to conform to them. People are constantly on the go, in a hurry, Yoga puts a stop to your time and asks for just a little one on one with yourself. There are so many health benefits to Yoga and I am beginning to feel the magic it is imposing in my body. My toddler who joins me now and then in practice really enjoys being involved in something mommy is passionate about. I love that I am able to teach her by just doing my own practice and that she wants to learn. It honestly warms my heart. I am a full-time mom, my never ending chore list can get a little overwhelming at times and I have to admit taking some escapes into my Yogaland is all I need to make it thru each day. There is an entire community of Yogis from all level types that you can associate with.

 If you haven't yet gotten inverted, what are you waiting for? Don't let fear hold you back.

unforgettable

We were sitting in the very back corner booth of Cuquita's, a Mexican restaurant in Dallas. Bellesa was climbing all over me and her dad as we sat and waited. Suddenly, "Volver, Volver" by Vicente Fernandez started playing overhead, was it coincidence? Moments later...and I do mean moments, in walks this figure no taller than 5'5 that's without his ranchero sombrero, black leather jacket like I always remembered, big bulky belt buckle, clean black ironed slacks and his sharp cowboy boots. I arose as he neared towards me and was shaking so bad I was just hoping nobody else could notice. He approached me raised his arms and dressed me with a huge hug, we both broke down into tears. We held each other for quite some time and as we began to let loose, I took in a breath to get a scent. I then said, "hueles el mismo", (you smell the same). He has small dark aged eyes, older wiser hands, and wore a sad, hurt and relieved smile.   We all sat down and I began talking and introducing my daughter to her grandfather, and my boyfriend to my Dad. We had not seen each other in 22 years.  The entire time we sat at the table I was trembling, shaking, sweating and nervous. I was still in awe that I was face to face with the man I have always thought just vanished. I could see and feel the hurt in him as well. It was like as if we both had a huge burden lifted from our shoulders and I could literally feel it being lifted. After dinner, we started towards the entrance to say our goodbyes and took a picture. My dad led me to the front door by arm and walked me to our vehicle. He had this firm grip on my arm that I will never forget. It was not harmful in anyway, it was more as if he finally had me in his arms and he did not want to let me go. He gave me hug after hug and told me how much he loved me. He opened my car door for me and we said our last goodbye for the evening. I got in the car and waited for him to leave the parking lot. I broke into tears when he pulled off, I could finally breathe, I could finally let all of that pain go. It was those little things that I missed most as a little girl. Your dad walking you to the car, opening the door for you, giving you these big bear hugs and being told you are loved. What seems natural and common for most, wasn't for me. I got a taste of it again that evening and that is what was so relieving. I had been holding on to so many mixed emotions for so long and was able to rid myself of always being in the unknown. I now have a great relationship with my father. As an adolescent, I envied my friends and family who had their dad in their lives and now as an adult and have my own child, I see things so much more different. There are different situations for each and every single person. Not any one person is the same as another. I have grown enough and have experienced quite a bit to fully understand that things happen for a reason. It may not be the reason we like but in the end, timing is everything and why things occur at certain times we will never know, however I like to think that all the dots connect as they should when it is all said and done. I really owe Marcio a huge thanks for actually making me commit to seeing my dad, he opened my eyes to a dad's point of view and thankfully I had an open mind and am forever grateful. Reuniting with my dad was a ginormous step for me in sooo many ways. It is a memory I will never forget.

"invertyoself"

and two years later....I now have a toddler; a walking, running, jumping, talking, whining, laughing, crying little person. Everyday I learn how to be a better parent, a more patient mother, and loving model. Children are the real test to ones character. My daughter is three, and I'd like to think three's are harder than the "terrible two's". She has decided to make her bowels her nemesis, where she is the one who ultimately suffers...well I take that back, we all do. Fun times we are experiencing at this moment. Who knew a poop could be so horrid?? The miles we go for our children is incredible. The one thing I have to remind myself even still however, is not to let her manipulate my relationship with her father. The little temper tantrums and attitudes our children throw can amazingly cause a division between the two players of the same team. It is not only a constant test with our children but our partners and even ourselves. We must love ourselves first so that we can then share that love with those we do love. The "bd" and I (I jokingly call him that, he is the love of my life), have our tit and tats as well but we are in a constant reminder of why we battle this life together. Our daughter watches us very closely. I saw a picture recently on the web, of the total of years we have with our children from when they are born until they turn 18; it was broken down into years of ages. It really hit me then, to cherish these moments, all of them. They really are not that long. We get caught up in the hustle and bustle this society throws at us and forget the true meaning why we are here. I know we all want to live a comfortable life and more importantly provide our cubs with even more than what we could have ever imagined having, but sometimes I have learned that just being with your loved ones is what matters most. I have certainly caught myself saying "I need a break", and yes as parents, we all do need one from time to time, it also is important for our sanity. But think about the big break we will get when all the kids leave the home and we then get empty nest syndrome. Time truly is a precious thing. I have in the past year, moved back in with my daughter's father, also known as my baby daddy :), attained my real estate license, and have completed reading just two books; which is a shame that number is so low. I vow to increase the novels I consume this year. I have also gained a great amount of appreciation for Yoga. I dabbled in it some in the fall but began seriously practicing in December 2013, just in this month I truly have gained respect for it. It has challenged my core in every sense of the word. It focuses my breathing, and balance like no other. It centers me, taking some time to myself to clear my mind of everything, has become an addiction. It is difficult to sit there and not stress over the bill you have to pay, the check you are waiting to receive, the shoes you want to buy, the soccer team you want to register your kid in, the grocery list still waiting to be checked off, the list goes on and on...have you ever taken a moment to let it all go? My daughter now catches me on my head and in funky positions and will join me, she laughs and thinks its fun. I frequent the gym quite often as well, but my kick ass workouts at the gym are minute to the at home self teaching Yoga stretches and positions I get myself into. I have to admit, as a mommy, Yoga has done wonders for me. I recommend it to all mommy's out there. Just for those moments when you need a breather and are about to jump out of any window, "invertyoself", get upside down. Not kidding. People will think you are nuts, but don't they anyway?

March Madness

For some, the month of March is a bit mad, people begin their lenting, which tends to make some go a bit off the deep end, we have our traditional college hoops in full effect, and of course that green holiday that gives everyone an excuse to party like its 1999. Thanks for this one Cuban. A lot has happened in just these 4 weeks for me, as my little one grows another month and has officially reached her 1 1/2 marker, she is now a toddler with a mouthful of teeth! Learning words like "uh-oh", "ball", "whats that?" she is growing more each day. This month however sparked some new changes and unexpected flairs in my life, and God has an oddly funny way about showing He is real. I hadn't spoken to my oldest sister or mom for almost 6 months due to unnecessary family drama and it was killing me inside, I was truly mortified and was unwillingly having to accept the void I was feeling inside. After those 6 months had passed I could not take it anymore and swallowed whatever pride I had left and decided to initiate some sort of communication. I sent my mother an email, it was more like a ventmail, becuase I had let it all out in that long paragraph and hit send. I was hoping to stir up some sort of reaction, and at first nothing, but several days had passed and I received a response email. At first I was hesitant, and how awkward is it knowing you are hesitant to open and read an email from your own mother. After several correspondence emails we set a time and date to meet up and grab lunch. When we met up, it was as if we just sat down and started anew, kind of forgetting and forgiving all at in one moment. I was angry and hurt that so much time had gone on, but I also knew that holding any type of grudge was not going to get me anywhere, especially not forward. So I let it go. After this meeting, my mother and I kept cordial and sent texts, emails, and even called each other again...I however still had no communication with my oldest sister. I was going to accept the fact that we would not speak again, until she could truly apologize for things said and done. But about a week ago, it was a Saturday night on 3/10/12, I received a call from my mother, which I answered and was told that my sister had just been admitted to the hospital with all types of symptoms. My mom told me she was not in any good condition at all, and knows we have not been speaking, but said my sister had mentioned, her wanting to see me. My first thought was, Oh typical Lili, she always gets the escape of having to confront her own mistakes and never puts forth the effort to make things right. After hanging up with my mom, I immediately googled the symptoms my mom had told me she was having and the first thing that pulled up was, Hodgkins Lymphoma Cancer. At this point, I did not know what to think, what to feel, or what to say. I continued doing some research and luckily the survival rate was pretty high at a 80% for the highest level of the cancer, as I kept reading it mentioned the only treatment would be chemotherapy and radiation. And this is when I just could not bear not seeing her, not being with her, regardless of what she had done or not done to me in the past, I just felt that this immediate circumstance trumped all of that. All I knew in my heart was to be with her, and let her know that I love her and am by her side. I was torn that entire night and even into the next, I sat down and talked to my boyfriend and expressed how torn I was, I knew it was right by God to forget everything and just be with my sister, at the same time I felt there had been so much damage and evil directly to me and my family that I would not go to see her. I was literally on a see-saw with what to do. I slept with my mind racing that night, arose the next morning and made my decision, I would go see her, alone. As I made it to the hospital and walked in her room, my mom had been sitting there, Lili was still in surgery from a biopsy the doctors had just performed on her. So I sat in her room quietly and waited. The nurses came in and rolled her in on her bed, she still hadnt noticed I was there mainly because of all the meds she was on. She finally looked up at me and broke into tears. My sister was in the hospital for a week, going thru tests, surgeries, and finally after years of not feeling well, the Doctor had diagnosed her with Hodgkins Lymphoma with a benign tumor on the wall of her heart. I was just in shock but knew that this would be incredibly hard for her and for our family, but if we knew anything, it is how to be strong, how to fight, and for the first time have our faith tested as a whole. Now, I mentioned God having an odd sense of humor, because during those 6 months of not talking to either my sister or my mom, I had cried, prayed, and asked what was going on, I just wanted a relationship with my family again. My mom told me she had been praying the same thing during those silent months, and then BOOM! not only are we all talking again but we are forced to come together as a family and be there for one another. I told Lili, that thru all this pain she as well as all of us, had to remain Faithful to Him, it was in His hands and that he gave her something that could be cured, although not easy to get thru, but it was going to be a long 8 months of a constant reminder that He is here and we must give it to him. I am not happy that my sister is having to go thru such pain, but I am happy that God gave us a way back into eachothers lives. I know I have stated this before, but it is not in our control, decisions we make, yes, but our overall path is in His hands. A friend of mine has lost very important people in her life, and it reminded me of how I do not want Him to take my sister or any of my family members from me, especially if we are not talking over something so petty. Nothing is bigger than the Love of our Heavenly Father and the Love from our Loved Ones. We truly have to cherish the small relationships in our lives because you never know. God has his own plans.