Falling for Changes

So much has shifted, we are at the end of the year, awaiting to see what 2015 has in store. As I close this year and chapter in my life, I look back at myself and realize So much has changed! I have done some tremendous soul searching this year and although that journey is still in pursuit I have a better understanding of me. For years I was inside the box, as someone who truly cares about others this was a tough one for me to admit. Hardly ever was it Yesenia to blame, but always something or someone else, not in terms of faulting someone for some wrong doing but more just a broad sense of the "not I" attitude. I have come to a realization that everyone including myself will screw up either royally or minutely, whichever the degree, it is within my very own self that will react, and in my reaction, is my truth! I have struggled with abandonment and anger mixed with alcohol in the past, and just this year I have acknowledged my demons. It is very difficult to express and admit your flaws as you may want to perceive yourself as flaw-less. I had to take a step back to look at myself a couple of times this year, the last of which really hit me like a brick. I was in a state of anger and disbelief, but that being said, my reactions to my feelings is what threw me over the fence and allowed me to peep into the hole and look at myself. It finally hit me, how could I allow myself to stoop so low in my own behavior, who was I and how had I become so powerless to my own self? How have I let this built up anger explode within me. I have always had this false idea that things were supposed to be a certain way and if it didnt fall in line as expected then you would be sure to feel my disappointment. My reactions to not having my expectations met were dangerous, I lashed out in anger. Never realizing that my reactions were just as bad if not worse than not having my expectations met. I finally told myself, STOP! No matter what happens, what anyone does to you directly or indirectly, do not let that affect my behavior. Most importantly as a parent, I do not want my child to carry on any of these bad learned habits. Your kids do what you are. I think it was this that really caught me and made me see my darkness. If you are in a constant state of blame you are in denial. Denial of your own demons. You may not think your demons come close to whomever is putting you in that state to begin with, but trust me yours are just as bad. Goes back to the age old saying, Dont throw stones if you live in a glass house. We have all heard it and let it go thru one ear and out the other, because we truly dont believe that WE ourselves reside anywhere near a glass house. Let a stone hit your house, be cautious of your response, that will answer your question about how sturdy and strong your glass is. If it breaks, your reaction was not much better than the stone thrown. Personally, this has helped me get thru a lot this year. People will let you down, disappoint, and even upset you; that is all a given and an expectation unfortunately. It is within yourself, your reaction that will reflect your true self. Be above it all. Remain in a higher frequency, Avoid negative energy and if it is unavoidable be wary of your own self. Do not drown in others misery and shortcomings and most importantly look for the light in the dark of situations. Remember your worth. Personally I have to remind myself that I struggle with abandonment which leads to anger, and there is no excuse to justify behavior because of it. I am growing and learning everyday, learning to let go of the past and not allow for a generational curse to enter my home. That being said, my daughter is my world, and I only hope to positively mold her moral compass and show her a better way. 

Yogaland

I am addicted to a drug and its labeled "YOGA". I cant get enough of it. I yearn for the challenge. I sweat pain away during each practice. I mentally escape to an island of just my mat and I and sometimes my toddler. Yoga has directly affected my life. It has changed the way I view everything. I value life and earth so much more. I started my Yoga practice in December and have been sucked in since. I used to battle with my weight and how I viewed myself, never thought I was ever at my best. I was the type of person who hit the gym about 5 times a week, doing leg days, arm days, cardio and abs, all body part days which do not get me wrong, forced me to be consistent and learn muscle memory and how to focus on my eating habits. This is what started to mold my foundation to a healthier me. After so many strenuous workouts, and I literally do mean very intense sessions I began to feel a little better. I began seeing some results, I was leaning out and building muscle, I thought this was the road to success. I continued searching for my happy place. I still was not completely satisfied with myself. I didn't want to continue these types of workouts only to end up looking like a man, or a competitor in some fitness competition. That look just is not for me no judgment to any who go for that look. While in my hunt, along came a little friend called "instagram", I used this tool to assist me in my regular workout routines, help me change things up a bit, which I did and it was very useful. However, I came across the hashtag #yoga, I scrolled thru for a minute which turned into hours and I was immediately taken over. I said to myself, "I want to do that." My first couple attempts were complete failures, as I was never a gymnast in my past, these stretches and poses did not come natural to me. I would almost be in tears of how strenuous something as simple as reaching for your very own two feet could be. I thought, dang, as much time and effort I have put in at the gym with weights and machines and I cant even reach my toes?? something was wrong here! At that instant I immediately took a different approach to my "workouts". I put down the 45lb weights and decided to learn how to balance my very own 130lb body! I am only at the start of my practice but I cannot tell you how amazing my body feels. I don't feel tight all the time like I used to. I have learned the art of breathing! I didn't even learn this when I was going thru labor with my little one, imagine how much it would have supported me then. I used to be so afraid of getting upside down, now all I want to do is be inverted. The body is an amazing temple. Yoga has cured headaches, stress, pain, uneasiness, the list goes on. Yoga is not just about getting into a pose and viola you have completed the task...it is a mind, body, spirit transformation. Yoga puts you in places where you are most uncomfortable and forces you to conform to them. People are constantly on the go, in a hurry, Yoga puts a stop to your time and asks for just a little one on one with yourself. There are so many health benefits to Yoga and I am beginning to feel the magic it is imposing in my body. My toddler who joins me now and then in practice really enjoys being involved in something mommy is passionate about. I love that I am able to teach her by just doing my own practice and that she wants to learn. It honestly warms my heart. I am a full-time mom, my never ending chore list can get a little overwhelming at times and I have to admit taking some escapes into my Yogaland is all I need to make it thru each day. There is an entire community of Yogis from all level types that you can associate with.

 If you haven't yet gotten inverted, what are you waiting for? Don't let fear hold you back.

unforgettable

We were sitting in the very back corner booth of Cuquita's, a Mexican restaurant in Dallas. Bellesa was climbing all over me and her dad as we sat and waited. Suddenly, "Volver, Volver" by Vicente Fernandez started playing overhead, was it coincidence? Moments later...and I do mean moments, in walks this figure no taller than 5'5 that's without his ranchero sombrero, black leather jacket like I always remembered, big bulky belt buckle, clean black ironed slacks and his sharp cowboy boots. I arose as he neared towards me and was shaking so bad I was just hoping nobody else could notice. He approached me raised his arms and dressed me with a huge hug, we both broke down into tears. We held each other for quite some time and as we began to let loose, I took in a breath to get a scent. I then said, "hueles el mismo", (you smell the same). He has small dark aged eyes, older wiser hands, and wore a sad, hurt and relieved smile.   We all sat down and I began talking and introducing my daughter to her grandfather, and my boyfriend to my Dad. We had not seen each other in 22 years.  The entire time we sat at the table I was trembling, shaking, sweating and nervous. I was still in awe that I was face to face with the man I have always thought just vanished. I could see and feel the hurt in him as well. It was like as if we both had a huge burden lifted from our shoulders and I could literally feel it being lifted. After dinner, we started towards the entrance to say our goodbyes and took a picture. My dad led me to the front door by arm and walked me to our vehicle. He had this firm grip on my arm that I will never forget. It was not harmful in anyway, it was more as if he finally had me in his arms and he did not want to let me go. He gave me hug after hug and told me how much he loved me. He opened my car door for me and we said our last goodbye for the evening. I got in the car and waited for him to leave the parking lot. I broke into tears when he pulled off, I could finally breathe, I could finally let all of that pain go. It was those little things that I missed most as a little girl. Your dad walking you to the car, opening the door for you, giving you these big bear hugs and being told you are loved. What seems natural and common for most, wasn't for me. I got a taste of it again that evening and that is what was so relieving. I had been holding on to so many mixed emotions for so long and was able to rid myself of always being in the unknown. I now have a great relationship with my father. As an adolescent, I envied my friends and family who had their dad in their lives and now as an adult and have my own child, I see things so much more different. There are different situations for each and every single person. Not any one person is the same as another. I have grown enough and have experienced quite a bit to fully understand that things happen for a reason. It may not be the reason we like but in the end, timing is everything and why things occur at certain times we will never know, however I like to think that all the dots connect as they should when it is all said and done. I really owe Marcio a huge thanks for actually making me commit to seeing my dad, he opened my eyes to a dad's point of view and thankfully I had an open mind and am forever grateful. Reuniting with my dad was a ginormous step for me in sooo many ways. It is a memory I will never forget.

"invertyoself"

and two years later....I now have a toddler; a walking, running, jumping, talking, whining, laughing, crying little person. Everyday I learn how to be a better parent, a more patient mother, and loving model. Children are the real test to ones character. My daughter is three, and I'd like to think three's are harder than the "terrible two's". She has decided to make her bowels her nemesis, where she is the one who ultimately suffers...well I take that back, we all do. Fun times we are experiencing at this moment. Who knew a poop could be so horrid?? The miles we go for our children is incredible. The one thing I have to remind myself even still however, is not to let her manipulate my relationship with her father. The little temper tantrums and attitudes our children throw can amazingly cause a division between the two players of the same team. It is not only a constant test with our children but our partners and even ourselves. We must love ourselves first so that we can then share that love with those we do love. The "bd" and I (I jokingly call him that, he is the love of my life), have our tit and tats as well but we are in a constant reminder of why we battle this life together. Our daughter watches us very closely. I saw a picture recently on the web, of the total of years we have with our children from when they are born until they turn 18; it was broken down into years of ages. It really hit me then, to cherish these moments, all of them. They really are not that long. We get caught up in the hustle and bustle this society throws at us and forget the true meaning why we are here. I know we all want to live a comfortable life and more importantly provide our cubs with even more than what we could have ever imagined having, but sometimes I have learned that just being with your loved ones is what matters most. I have certainly caught myself saying "I need a break", and yes as parents, we all do need one from time to time, it also is important for our sanity. But think about the big break we will get when all the kids leave the home and we then get empty nest syndrome. Time truly is a precious thing. I have in the past year, moved back in with my daughter's father, also known as my baby daddy :), attained my real estate license, and have completed reading just two books; which is a shame that number is so low. I vow to increase the novels I consume this year. I have also gained a great amount of appreciation for Yoga. I dabbled in it some in the fall but began seriously practicing in December 2013, just in this month I truly have gained respect for it. It has challenged my core in every sense of the word. It focuses my breathing, and balance like no other. It centers me, taking some time to myself to clear my mind of everything, has become an addiction. It is difficult to sit there and not stress over the bill you have to pay, the check you are waiting to receive, the shoes you want to buy, the soccer team you want to register your kid in, the grocery list still waiting to be checked off, the list goes on and on...have you ever taken a moment to let it all go? My daughter now catches me on my head and in funky positions and will join me, she laughs and thinks its fun. I frequent the gym quite often as well, but my kick ass workouts at the gym are minute to the at home self teaching Yoga stretches and positions I get myself into. I have to admit, as a mommy, Yoga has done wonders for me. I recommend it to all mommy's out there. Just for those moments when you need a breather and are about to jump out of any window, "invertyoself", get upside down. Not kidding. People will think you are nuts, but don't they anyway?