Learning To Fish

I have never been fishing in the literal sense, something I soon will check off my bucket list. I know, I know, not a difficult task, grab a rod, fishing bait, find water and throw your line right? Well, I don't know, because like I said, I have never been. This post is not about actual fishing, but figuratively speaking, I have been learning to fish since I was 6 and even more so when I was 17. My life has been a journey in an open ocean with a small hole in my boat with me constantly figuring out how to keep it afloat without sinking. I am positive thousands can relate. A summary of my upbringing, I am one of five siblings, and am right in the middle of our 5. The male who assisted in bringing 4 of us into this world has been non existent since I was 6, leaving behind his 3 daughters and son. So after his disappearance, we lived the not so normal life that comes with adapting to a single parent household of 5 children. My mother was never home as she worked her ass off to provide for us just the minimal of things, food, shelter, and clothing. None of which were your luxurious choices or options. When our mother was home, she was still working, constantly on the phone on a conference call or some business call, while we were always being "shushed" or given the snap of her fingers, which was her signal for telling us to shut the hell up and to leave her be. By the time I was 10, my oldest sister then 12, started to rebel and would run away from home, get involved with the "bad" kids at school and be stirred up in some kind of trouble. Not that my mother needed this, but honestly who could blame my sister, her and I were especially hurt by our father leaving as we had spent our first 6-8 years with only knowing life with him around, no matter how unpleasant it was at times, we still loved him dearly. After witnessing my sister's behavior, I learned not to behave in the same manner, only because I saw how hurt our mother was over it all. While our oldest sister was in and out occupying herself in all sorts of shenanigans, I was forced to not only become the "oldest" but was placed into the secondary parental role. So while our mother was off at work, I was left to take care of my two youngest siblings which was the result of our entire upbringing until our mother took a job offer in DC when I was 16. Carmen was our "nanny" who spoke zero english and who my younger siblings unfortunately missed out on learning Spanish took complete advantage of this situation by not "understanding" her, so again there I was to constantly tell and yell at my younger siblings what they should but mainly should not be doing. Carmen was really only at our house during the week while my mother worked one of her 3 jobs to give my mother some peace of mind that we were "ok", being fed rice and beans every day, and had a clean house to come home to. I always think about Carmen from time to time and wonder how in the hell she put up with my younger brother and sister who were little shits to her and never paid her any mind. I'll skip years of drama and details that my family faced during all of these years but needless to say they were quite interesting. How we are all still alive I have no clue but we are! Our mother was NO betty home maker, she was a full time working woman who had these little runts at home and shit ton of drama. My siblings and I did not see a loving two parent structure growing up so we are all a little rough on those edges. We all have had to figure out this life with only the moral compass my mother instilled in us. Everything else has been a hit or miss, trial and error experiment. Which let me tell you, yes makes you stronger if you haven't died, but is difficult as all get out to live life in the unknown with no path paved and taking your own. I have seen the darkest of days and a plenty of sunny ones. I am grateful for both. It is so easy for one to fall into a depression while comparing to others who have had a silver spoon or any spoon for that matter fed to them, but I say fuck that, I am entirely grateful for my upbringing, as hard as it was and is, because I know my strengths and learn and grow from my weaknesses. There isn't any time in my schedule for a pity me session, I have to suck it up buttercup and keep it moving. In my 32 years of life I have only recently been learning to truly let go and live, be positive even during the negative times, and be very aware and cautious of my OWN behaviors and reactions. From working at bars/nightclubs, graduating college, going to jail, being on probation, having children, starting a career, having a family of my own, and trying to figure out this whole adulting thing; I can say I have experienced quite a damn bit. One thing is for sure, my kids are going to have a hard time fooling this mommy who's seen it and done it all (other than fishing) ha! When I first started this post I was going to go into how hard it has been to be a parent with no support or help from my family or mother (I would say from my parents but yea, that guy dumped us long ago and has never been a source of support), but as my stream of consciousness began to flow, I thought to myself, "shut the fuck up and deal with it" (my motto for life in general). I am NOT one to get down on myself or fall into a depression, look for sympathy etc. In my world, you get on the horse no matter how many times you've fallen and you try again, and again, and again, and again. No, I have never learned to fish (figuratively and literally) but I am learning and will never give up no matter how hard times get. I've hit my rock bottom and have pulled up out of it, I also always think, "hell yes things could always be worse". I am grateful for my challenges and my experiences. Thank you to my mother that did not put silver spoons in our mouths, she has raised one tough cookie. And by this time next year, I will have thrown my line and have caught my own fish! Tootles!