Falling for Changes

So much has shifted, we are at the end of the year, awaiting to see what 2015 has in store. As I close this year and chapter in my life, I look back at myself and realize So much has changed! I have done some tremendous soul searching this year and although that journey is still in pursuit I have a better understanding of me. For years I was inside the box, as someone who truly cares about others this was a tough one for me to admit. Hardly ever was it Yesenia to blame, but always something or someone else, not in terms of faulting someone for some wrong doing but more just a broad sense of the "not I" attitude. I have come to a realization that everyone including myself will screw up either royally or minutely, whichever the degree, it is within my very own self that will react, and in my reaction, is my truth! I have struggled with abandonment and anger mixed with alcohol in the past, and just this year I have acknowledged my demons. It is very difficult to express and admit your flaws as you may want to perceive yourself as flaw-less. I had to take a step back to look at myself a couple of times this year, the last of which really hit me like a brick. I was in a state of anger and disbelief, but that being said, my reactions to my feelings is what threw me over the fence and allowed me to peep into the hole and look at myself. It finally hit me, how could I allow myself to stoop so low in my own behavior, who was I and how had I become so powerless to my own self? How have I let this built up anger explode within me. I have always had this false idea that things were supposed to be a certain way and if it didnt fall in line as expected then you would be sure to feel my disappointment. My reactions to not having my expectations met were dangerous, I lashed out in anger. Never realizing that my reactions were just as bad if not worse than not having my expectations met. I finally told myself, STOP! No matter what happens, what anyone does to you directly or indirectly, do not let that affect my behavior. Most importantly as a parent, I do not want my child to carry on any of these bad learned habits. Your kids do what you are. I think it was this that really caught me and made me see my darkness. If you are in a constant state of blame you are in denial. Denial of your own demons. You may not think your demons come close to whomever is putting you in that state to begin with, but trust me yours are just as bad. Goes back to the age old saying, Dont throw stones if you live in a glass house. We have all heard it and let it go thru one ear and out the other, because we truly dont believe that WE ourselves reside anywhere near a glass house. Let a stone hit your house, be cautious of your response, that will answer your question about how sturdy and strong your glass is. If it breaks, your reaction was not much better than the stone thrown. Personally, this has helped me get thru a lot this year. People will let you down, disappoint, and even upset you; that is all a given and an expectation unfortunately. It is within yourself, your reaction that will reflect your true self. Be above it all. Remain in a higher frequency, Avoid negative energy and if it is unavoidable be wary of your own self. Do not drown in others misery and shortcomings and most importantly look for the light in the dark of situations. Remember your worth. Personally I have to remind myself that I struggle with abandonment which leads to anger, and there is no excuse to justify behavior because of it. I am growing and learning everyday, learning to let go of the past and not allow for a generational curse to enter my home. That being said, my daughter is my world, and I only hope to positively mold her moral compass and show her a better way.